What do we really NEED?

In the com box of a recent post on Marriage and sexual tension Lyl said

"I would say that strictly speaking there is no "need" for sex(since a human being can certainly live without it, whereas we must have air, water, food and sleep to live)"

Which reflects any number of similar comments suggesting that sex is a luxury, not a necessity of life. Or, to be fair to Lyl, that sex is not a 'need' of human beings. In support of such statements people usually offer God's call to celibate religious to remain sex-less as evidence that human beings can not only live without sex but can be utterly fulfilled in a vocation which,by definition, is without it. The commentator "Z" offered an even more interesting supporting argument. That is

"A certain Mary and Joseph had a sexless marriage.....The most sacred of all marriages in history."

Very true. The problem is that this marriage is unique in it's nature and cannot be compared in this way to ours by it's very uniqueness. I am not casting any dispersions on that holy family, but should any other couple report an entirley sexless marriage, it would be legitimately declared as invalid for never having been consumated! I repeat, I am NOT suggesting this is true of Mary and Joseph, just that their marriage is so unique by virtue of God's amazing and gracious intervention that we cannot use their marriage as a proper example in regards to the need for couples to express their love intimately save in the general lessons of self control, purity, self sacrifice and chastity in marriage.

In answer to Lyls comment, I respond that we are in grave danger of neglecting a great number of human 'goods' if our only criterea for identifying needs is that we would die without them. Do we need, for example, a good reputation? Do we need people to speak the truth about us, rather than bear false witness? Sicks and stones... and all that jaz! I will still be alive after someone slanders me, so why would Catholic philosophers and the catechism talk about our good name as a basic human good? Because it is not enough to go on breathing in order to be fully human! Life is not the ultimate good which trumps all others. In fact, if we had to choose between the good of our life and the good of marriage, the Church holds up the example of matyrs such as Maria Goretti (pictured above) who chose to obey the commandment protecting the good of marriage above her own life!

Human beings need more stuff than the basic sustinence required to keep breathing, in order to be fully human. John Paul II spoke of the need for meaningful employment being a necessary part of fulfilling the dignity of a human person. We all acknowledge, from psychologists to theologians that we are relational beings and we lack something fundamental if we are cut off from all human contact. We may keep breathing, but our full humanity is undermined. I strongly recommend Harley's book on emotional needs of men and women. He points out that, while for a majority of women conversation, non-sexual touch, family committment (romantic dinners) and such things are recieved as full expressions of love by women, they rarely mean the same thing to men. In fact, for men these things are efforts made primarily for the wife's benefit. They are, I should add hastily, efforts offered joyfully and eagerly as expressions of love from husband to his wife, but if the same tings are offered in return they simply don't have the same effect on men.

And this is the point I keep trying to drive at; Men recieve love differently. The ways which men recieve love have been routinely derided in feminist circles and routinely neglected in Catholic circles. In affirming the ways men recieve love I do not in any way disregard all other ways of recieving love nor suggest that women should be slaves to mens needs. Raising awareness of needs is an attempt to provide women with the opportunity to love thier husbands in ways which their husbands more fully and completely recieve it.

Now, let us return to the question of whether men need sex. If a man isn't intimate for a day, a week, a month, or even years ... he is still breathing. No problem? It depends. Is he a priest? Is he committed to a celibate life and therefore committing himself nuptually to the Church and therefore recieving the grace of that voctaion and all it's divine help?

Let me use a different example to help me explain. Women love to communicate. Harley is far from alone when he identifies one of the key ways a woman recieves love is to be heard, especially by their husband. If a woman is able to share the details of her day, her emotional state, the way she feels about fake fur and anything on her mind, and she feels she has 'connected' with her husband on this, it is extremely affirming for her and a strong contribution to their shared love (from her perspective). From the guys perspective it often takes effort and concentration to give her this gift of love, especially after a long hard day

Can a woman live without communication? Well, yes, an enclosed nun may live in silence most of her life and still be breathing, even thriving! That nun, however, has not neglected communication. She has merely comitted herself utterly to intimacy with God! What about the wife? Could a wife survive without communication? If her husband refused to talk with her at all for a day? Sure, she's still breathing. What if he refused for a month. She's still breathing. He's in the doghouse by now but she is still breathing! What if he didn't speak with her for 2 years? Yes she would still be breathing, but in what state would their marriage be

So do they need to talk? I would say they do, and even though the man could survive longer without it, even he must have this ongoing intimacy for the marriage to survive.

St Paul, even when suggesting it might be a good thing for some to be celibate, if they have the ability or gift, instructs couples NOT to deprive each other of sexual intimacy because it leads to temptation (1 Cor 7:5). He makes only the exception of a brief period of agreed abstinence for the purpose of prayer.

In regards to many situations where mutally agreed abstinence is practiced for grave reasons, I have already addressed this in several posts. This is a different matter entirely. Agreeing to do so is very different from being routinely rejected or neglected by a wife capable of giving herself to her husband in this way.